...the more they stay the same.  Ten years ago I joined a group called Toronto Ghosts and Hauntings Research Society and 4 years later became part of its newly formed umbrella organization, PSICAN (Paranormal Studies and Investigations Canada).  Although I did a huge amount of work getting that organization started, I learned today that I (and the fellow that came up with both the name and the logo) have never been considered founders of PSICAN.  Ah well, ok no biggie.  Then I learned that PSICAN will never be incorporated and run professionally—i.e. there will never be a board of directors or a financial officer or any of those things that make an organization legitimate –at least in my eyes.  I’m told the owners of the domain and server space and long-time directors consider themselves the only founders and have no intention of ever adding a group governance and transparency.  They have a vision of PSICAN as a social arena for likeminded paranormal enthusiasts to chat and maybe do some investigations.  I need more.

I do wish them well.  I hope they get what they want out of the endeavour.  I am remaining as a consultant, available if/when then are interested in my opinions.  I don’t intend to socialize with them though.  It’s not my cuppa.  Some of the members are dear friends and that will not change, but to be honest it is a great relief to not have to be nice to those folks I didn’t respect and enjoy.  Now, I don’t have to dialog or interact with them at all.  Ironically, they don’t even know who they are.  Probably never will.

The bare bones truth of the matter is that I can do what I do—paranormal research—with much more integrity and energy without group affiliations.  I’ve been accused, upon my leaving, of going off to “start my own group”.  This is not going to happen.  I have my practice, solely, and a few hand selected people have been invited to assist me from time to time, but no, there will be no group formed.  Unlike the founders of PSICAN, I don’t need a group of people around me to validate my work and I don’t want to socialize and look for ghosts.  I want to do serious research, using logic and scientific method. My days of hand holding through dramas and smoothing over political disagreements are done.  At some point today I realized that I was no longer sad and upset about that.  I can honestly say that at least in the past three years or so, I’ve never been happier professionally.  This comes as a shock to me.

I am extremely proud of my work with PSICAN.  Although I am deeply disappointed that it will never be a world leader in ground breaking paranormal study, I know I gave them my very best and that each person in the organization, whether they liked me or not, benefitted from my contributions.  I’m proud of the individuals who have grown as people and as researchers.  I’m proud of the impact we had on public perception of the study of things deemed paranormal.  I’m proud of our community involvement, our pristine reputation for witness privacy and the things we accomplished during that time.  I’m also proud of myself.  I learned a lot from the people in this group—some of it the hard way, but nonetheless there were lessons learned.  I used to say that Matthew and Sue and PSICAN made me what I am today, but I recently realized they didn’t.  I did.  I did with a lot of hard work and sacrifice and commitment and study.  PSICAN may have provided the canvas, but I painted the masterpiece.

The struggles with PSICAN are not new.  The conflicting goals have been problematic for quite some time.  The way we got through it was for each of us (Matt/Sue and I) to give a little bit.  Sometimes it was one way, other times the other, but someone always had to bite their tongue, swallow their pride, or make a concession.  We did that out of respect for each other and out of an idea that there was a greater good.  Sadly, that is no longer the case.   It was and is time for the camps to go to their separate corners; not to regroup for the next fight, but to call a truce and redraw the boundaries.  I think we’ll all be a lot happier in the long run.

It’s still pretty new, but I appear to have only lost one friend in the process and that’s pretty good in my book.  I’m not a particularly social animal, but I did make a couple of VERY close friends over time and several more pretty good friends as well as some very much appreciated colleagues and acquaintances.  I assume that my friends remained because I didn’t ask them to choose.  I have no problem with whatever affiliations they choose to have.  There is no reason why loyalty to PSICAN and loyalty to me have to be in conflict.  I hope the folks that own PSICAN feel the same way.  (As an aside, the one friend I lost wasn’t the person I thought they were anyway).

I do feel a bit like I'm flying without a safety net.  I always knew that if I failed on my own I would always have a home at PSICAN and that was a comfort.  But now I’ve suddenly noticed I can, in fact, fly! The sandbags have been chucked from the basket of my hot air balloon and the tether is loosed.  I might crash land, I might get caught in a tree, heck I might even burst into flames like the Hindenburg.  Right now, all I know is the view has suddenly become stunning and boundless.