So I set myself up and didnt even realize it.
Today I took myself to the movies and saw "Brothers". It's an ok movie and if I were any sort of a normal person I probably would have enjoyed it.
I was in tears almost immediately. *spoiler alert* Bascially the premise is that the husband is a Marine and deploys and the wife sort of starts a relationship with the brother. Brother is just out of prison and tries to make his life better by helping out the deployed brothers wife. I knew that going in. It's eerily close to my own experience in that when my ex was deployed his brother moved in with me and things got a little out of hand.
In the movie, the USMC brother is presumed dead. In my life it was just a deployment, so I didnt have "grounds" by any means. OK so that's why I went to see the movie. I was prepared for the good son/bad son routine. I was prepared for the family dynamic including the children.
What I was NOT prepared for was how it ripped out my heart and brought back so much of Mark Bower. And just to put salt in the wound, I came home and re-read all of his letters.
Mark and I met via a singles ad I placed as a joke. I was just weeks away from my divorce being final, starting to get my dating legs, and was raising my two girls as a single mom. Mark was a Corporal in the Marines, divorced with a son of his own, and gunshy around potential relationships. We wrote letters for a bit, then a friend took me out on the town and unbeknownst to me she had set it up with Mark to meet us. This was the first face to face meeting we had. I was sitting at the bar having a drink and I looked up and saw this man walk in (I saw him in the mirror). It sound corny, but time stopped. Nothing else existed. Our eyes met in the mirror and it was soooo perfect. When I found out that guy was Mark I could not have been happier. Mark was the single most gorgeous man I have ever seen. And he totally was not aware of it.
So things progressed and he basically moved in with us. We were so in love. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. We also got a wonderful dog, Dusty. That dog so rocked.
Then a couple of months later he deployed suddenly to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba during the
"Hatian Refugee Crisis" of 1994. We continued to write to each other every day, although the mail was really slow. When the letters came it was such a thrill. They were so full of love.
Bu June 15, 1994, he was on the Russian Ship MS Ivan Franko.
Previously they had been aboard a Ukranian Cruise Ship Gruzia which had been
one of the ships the Russians left Cuba on in the 1960's Letters from Mark were largely about how bored he was on the ship and a smattering of what they were being told was going on politically.
He proposed to me in a letter dated June 10, 1994. I cried like a baby. I knew it was a HUGE step for him--for both of us--because o the divorce issues. But I was totally ready. I loved Mark Bower beyond all reason. I must have been curt with him in letters though, as he always seems (upon reread) to be trying to explain something to me. I know memory is selective. I only remember that I ached for him and was so worried. I sincerely hope I didnt make the deployment more difficult. In retrospect, I totally wish he would never have left me with his car, bank card, and power of attorney. I'm totally sure I abused the priveledge. Although I can honestly say, without a doubt, that with the exception of my current husband, Mark Bower was the only man I never cheated on. I've never been good with money, but I was completely loyal to him otherwise.
Things started to change toward the end of July. The stress was getting to him and he started getting cold feet about getting married. Then in the next letter, first part of August, he was talking again about moving to WV and maybe getting a job as a state trooper. But the stress continued. The Marines lived in tents while the Air Force had air conditioned trailers. Nobody knew when or if the whole thing would ever be over. The Haitians rioted several times per week. The IRS was taking his pay. The State of NC had issued a warrant because he did not show up for a Fishing Ticket (he was deployed). The stress was really there and I ignored it. I just kept pressuring him about why he didnt want to get married. I was a fool. He wanted to get everything taken care of so we could start a life together free and clear and I felt like he was shutting me off, not letting me help him as a partner. He wanted me to move back home to WV and I wanted to be as close to his life as possible.
By September the letters were just the front and back of one page, and coming only every couple of weeks. At that point he believed he would be back in December, check out of the Corps, and come meet me in WV.. The letters stop there. I have no recollection of that time frame whatsoever. My ex had gotten me charged with embezzlement of Girl Scount Cookie money and court was approaching. I went to court and was served with custody papers. October and November were a nightmare. I did move back to WV in December 1994, get a job, set up housekeeping. I returned to NC for court and to pick Mark up and take him back with me and he wasn't there. He had gotten his release from the Marines and was gone.
Also in the bundle of letters was a note from his ex-wife. I had sent a Birthday present to thier son, sort of as an introduction. Erica wrote back that Mark had told everyone we were not seriously involved. It was a lovely letter really. Very supportive of my relationship with Mark (if it existed) and open to Mark writing to Stefan and starting a regular dialogue. The letter is addressed to my West Virginia address, so I had to have been in WV by then. I remember sending the gift but for the life of me I don't remember getting that letter.
All this was brought back to me today in one segment of the movie. The Marine is destroying the kitchen and screams to his wife that she doesn't understand what his hands are capable of doing. Mark had said almost exactly the same thing to me when he returned from Gitmo. There had been an incident there that had left it's mark on him. He was clearly traumatized.
The timing is all very confusing in my memory. Aside from that one discussion in the previous paragraph, I don't recall seeing him after the deployment. It's as if he just disappeared.
Which actually he did. I heard from him briefly in March 1995-he wanted to come back. I said of course! Then I heard nothing again. Then he called wanting to know if he could bring his brother with him. I agreed--hell I would have driven to New York myself and picked up the whole damn family if it would have brought Mark back to me. I never heard from him again.
My oldest daughter doesn't seem to have any issues with the loss of that relationship. My second daughter and I still very much do. A few years ago I put an ad online trying to find him. I got a few back and forth emails from someone claiming to know him and that he was in Texas. None of that is terribly trustworthy but then I have no reason to disbelieve it either.
I'd love to talk with him. I desperately need closure. Ive moved on, and have a wonderful husband and a young son now and I wouldnt trade either of them for anything--not even for Mark. But I havent even heard his voice in 15 years and the pain is still so raw, and so deep. I'm not angry. I know things happen. I guess I just need to know that whatever happened wasn't my fault and that he did, for a time at least, really love me.
I probably will never get that closure. I likely will still do the occasional internet search (do you know how very many Mark Bower's there are in the world? LOL) and wonder.
But above all else, I wish him love.
Somewhere I have a photo of us together. When I find it, I'll add it here.
